Hermione Granger and the Battle of the Mary Sue
by Rezzzzzzurrection
Summary: Crystal Diamandis Serenity Prudence Grace Pearlflower is the new "IT" girl at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley and Luna Lovegood don't like her AT ALL! Major sillyness  especially on a certain Malfoy's part!


**AN: I wrote this a while ago, hope you enjoy! A little word* of warning: There is a wee bit of cursing in this one, so minors might want to back away. Or not. Whatever floats you boat.**

***Ok, if you want to be picky that is seventeen little words of warning. Just carry on reading you nitpickers!**

It was a calm, spring afternoon when Crystal Diamandis Serenity Prudence Grace Pearlflower was gliding dreamily down the bustling corridors of Hogwarts school. Bustling, that is, until Crystal entered. The halls fell silent and everyone turned to gaze in awe at the dazzling beauty before them. Crystal swept passed, trying to not to look at the dazzled students gaping dumbly at her. Her long, blonde curls cascaded past her waist as she swiftly made her way to the Gryffindor common room, her shapely, elegant, tanned legs leading her.

"Hey, Pearlflower!"

Crystal sighed. Not another male admirer trying hopelessly to gain a few seconds of her attention. Ever since she had transfered from America and started the school of witchcraft and wizardry she had been the most beautiful, most graceful, most cleverest, most talented witch in Hogwarts history - and _everyone_ wanted a piece of Miss Pearlflower. She turned around sharply.

"What do you want?" she snapped in her angel-like voice. It was Draco Malfoy. Crystal immediatley regretted her actions. Draco's face fell.  
"Oh! I'm so sorry, Draco!" said Crystal, twirling over to him. "I thought you were someone else." she put her hand on his shoulder. "There, there, it's all right." she cooed, as tears were rolling down his pale, pointed voice. Draco, shocked at being touched by someone so entrancing, stopped crying and looked up into Crystal's immaculate, heart-shaped face. He looked into her ocean-blue eyes and said "Oh, right. Yeah."

"So, what can I do you for, Draco?" said Crystal, straightening up and smoothing out her My Chemical Romance t-shirt with her long, well-manicured nails.

"Well, I was wondering..." said Draco, nervously, "I was wondering... would you like to go out with me?"

"What?" said Crystal, faking surprise, she had been asked by _at least_ twelve guys today.

"Would you like to go out with me? You know - a date. Boyfriend and girlfriend. Going out. Dating. Marriage. Babies. Will you marry me, Crystal? I love you with more passion that a thousand burning suns and I cannot bear life without you!" cried Draco, dropping to his knees and pulling out a diamond ring.

"Oh!" said Crystal, looking down at Draco. "Well - um - I'm terribly sorry, Draco. But I'm a Gryffindor and the most prettiest and most popular girl in the whole school, I deserve the best. And the best is, of course, **Harry freakin' Potter**! He's the BOY WHO LIVED, for Aslan's sake!"

"Oh..." said Draco. "That's too bad... I really love you," But he was too late. Crystal was already skipping up to the Gryffindor common room. He sighed.

Hermione Granger, on the other hand, let out a groan. She was sick to death of this girl! Who did she think she was! Hermione knew who she was, some bimbo blonde, that's what. The bushy-haired girl swung her bag of books over her shoulder and began to grumpily make her way to the Gryffindor common room, where she could moan to Harry and Ron. Though, they hadn't been the same since this - this _thing_ came to Hogwarts. Whenever she were in their presence her best friends seemed to turn into dopey oafs, clumsily trying to impress Crystal. It quite reminded Hermione of Ron's behaviour around the Veela, Fleur Delacour. She snorted with laughter, remembering his embarassing antics post-the Yule Ball... hopefully he wouldn't make a fool of himself the second time.

"Mary Sue" Hermione said the password to the Fat Lady and she entered the common room and screamed.

Harry and Ron were locked in a fierce combat, wands aside, they were punching, kicking, pummeling, pushing, biting and pulling as if their lives depended on it. Hermione looked up and saw Crystal Pearlflower, staring at the fighting boys in front of her. Whilst the Gryffindor boys seemed to be enjoying the action fully.

"YEAH! GO ON, HARRY! GET HIM THE MUGGLE WAY!" shouted Dean Thomas.

"I'll give yah ten sickles on the ginger, eh?" said Seamus Finnigan, nudging George Weasley.

"That's a deal," said George, grinning widely, shaking hands with Seamus.

Just before Hermione was about to cast a shield charm, Crystal pulled out her wand and trilled "STOPFIGHTINGANIUS!"

Straight away, Harry and Ron flew to the opposite sides of the common room. Hermione grumbled and stowed her wand back into her robes.

"Honestly!" said Crystal. "I don't know what got into you boys! We all know that I'm going to marry Harry and share lots cliched dialogue and have lots of beautiful perfect babies. As if I'd date a poor ginger, seriously, Ron!"

Hermione glared daggers at Crystal before going to help Ron, who had suffered a rather large bump on the head.

"S-s-sorry, Crystal.. I don't know what came over me," bumbled Ron.

"Don't apologise to her!" hissed Hermione, but she gently stroked his ginger mane. The poor thing, she thought, he doesn't know what he's thinking. This. Has got. To end.

*************************************************

"Right! Who's here?"

"Us." said Ginny. Hermione scowled.

"I'm here!" said Luna brightly.

"Thank you, Luna."

Ginny sighed. "Here," she said dully.

"Thank you, Ginevra." said Hermione, nodding.

"Ginny!"

"ANYWAY!" said Hermione, over the hustle and bustle in The Three Broomsticks. She had decided to hold their meeting here... she didn't want to make the mistake of going to the Hog's Head again...

"Is this a DA meeting?" asked Luna.

"No, Luna.."

"Yeah, what _is_ this.. exactly?"

Hermione sighed. How was she going to explain this? All she had done was leave a scribbled note on Ginny's Charms book saying _Meet me in the 3 Broomsticks sat. Poss bring Luna? Herm x_

"Well... well... you know that girl... Crystal Pearlflower?"

"HER!" spat Ginny vehemently. "I know her - she stole Harry from me!"

"Mmmm," mumbled Luna, sipping her liquidised Gurdyroots (Rosmerta had made it specially) "I've seen her around.. she doesn't really notice me, she always seems to be too busy with the boys."

"EXACTLY!" said Hermione in a shrill voice. "At first I suspected she was Veela, but LOOK!" She pulled out a rectangular device out of her bag, opened it and pressed a button.

"What's that?" said Ginny excitedly, she shared her father's love of all things Muggle. "Is is an eckeltic device? Lemme see, Hermione! LEMME SEE!"

"Hold on one second, Ginny!" snapped Hermione, she began typing something. Ginny sat down sulkily whilst Luna stirred the straw in her Gurdyroot glass.

"Aha!" said Hermione. "Look, here it is!"

Ginny and Luna peered onto the bright screen of the Muggle device and saw the words ""

"?" Ginny mumbled. "How is that going to help us find out what she is?"

"She's a Mary Sue!" cried Hermione, glowing, "This website is an expert of them. All of the Mary Sue types - they're exactly like Crystal!"

"So.. how can you defeat a Mary Sue..?" asked Luna, looking at Hermione with her probtuberent silver eyes.

"Well, I've been researching Mary Sues and apparently you're meant to kill them with good writing..."

"Good writing?" Ginny scrunched up her nose (something Harry used to love about before... well, you know) "How can we defeat her with GOOD WRITING? You really have lost it, Hermione!"

Hermione shot a dark look at Ginny. "I haven't finished yet... now, listen, I have a plan..."

Ginny rolled her eyes at Luna and sat forward to listen to Hermione's "plan". The Weasley girl smiled to herself and thought, well, if it's Hermione, it HAD to be something good..

*************************************************

Crystal Diamandis Serenity Prudence Grace Pearlflower was loungingly in a lady-like in the Great Hall, nibbling daintily at a Chocolate Frog. Stopping every now and then to shake her blonde locks and wink at that Harry Potter. Suddenly, the doors of the Great Hall burst open and there stood...

...the bookworm, a ginger and Loony Lovegood.

Crystal laughed her bell-like laugh and turned away. They were nothing she was to worry about. But - oh God - the bookworm has climbed onto the Gryffindor table.. what was this?

"STUDENTS OF HOGWARTS!" yelled Hermione. "TOO LONG HAVE OUR MALES BEEN UNDER THE SPELL OF THIS MARY SUE! TOO LONG HAVE WE BEEN IN THE SHADOWS! THIS IS THE TIME TO REVOLT!"

The girls cheered, whilst the boys stared at Hermione, dazed. She delved into her bag, pulled out a notebook and started reading:

_Ginny Weasley and Luna Lovegood stood their ground, facing Crystal Pearlflower, prepared to fight to the death-_

Luna and Ginny stood together and, like Hermione had said, faced Crystal. She jumped up. "What is this? Just because your jealous of me!"

_Ginny and Luna drew their wands,_ continued Hermione, _And pointed them directly at Crystal's forehead. "Any last words?" said Ginny, tauntingly twisting the point of her wand into Crystal's forehead.._

There was a shudder through the whole hall as Ginny did exactly as Hermione had said. "PISS OFF, YOU GINGER HOE!" screamed Crystal as she ran down the hall.

_Crystal ran but there was no escape. Luna waved her wand and the grand doors slammed shut. They walked up to her, aiming their wands. Crystal shook, paralysed with fear - and then, suddenly, her single braincell screamed out at her "USE YOUR WAND, YOU FOOL!".._

Crystal's face lit up and she drew out her extremely rare, holly and Thestral tail hair wand - but it was blasted out of her hand!

_"Expelliarmus!" cried Luna, Ginny smiled as Crystal's wand spun out of her hand. "Oh!" whispered Luna, "That was quite good, wasn't it - I've never tried that on a person before.."  
Ginny coughed and they resumed aiming their weapons at Crystal._

"No!"

_Ginny and Luna opened their mouths to utter the forbidden curse.._

"You can't!"

_"AVADA-"_

"NOOOOOOOO!"

_-KEDRAVA!"_

There was a flash of green light and Crystal's body slumped to the floor.

"Wow, Hermione! We did it!" cried Ginny, running and hugging her friend, Luna joined her.

The boys of Hogwarts jerked suddenly, and looked as if they had come out of a coma.

"Oh God.. Hermione! What happend?" shrieked Ron, spotting the body on the floor.

"Er- nothing, Ronald!" said Hermione cheerfully.

"That was really good, Hermione. How did you do it?" asked Parvati Patil.

"Oh, my Muggle teacher always said I had an aptitude for creative writing!" said Hermione, beaming. Suddenly, there was a shrill scream - it was Pansy Parkinson. They all spun round to see a ghostly pink, sparkly spirit rising up out of Crystal's still body. It swirled around the enchanted ceiling and then fell, passing through Ginny, Luna and Hermione before crashing through the windows and screaming:

"IT WAS NEVER LIKE THIS IN FORKS!!"

End


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